Mar 5, 2010

Day 10: 0 snoozes, but I REALLY WANTED TO

Hot diggity dog folks, now we're getting somewhere! Today I actually felt like an addict again. This was the hardest day for me yet - my alarm had been going off for a full 8 minutes before I finally even heard the damn thing, and when I turned it off I had to resist an EXTREMELY strong downward pull back into bed. I forced myself to get up and at dem, but only barely made it. All in all, a success! I AM good at making mistakes! Maybe next Monday I'll actually hit the snooze button and go back to sleep.

Back when I was a smoker, I tried several times to cut down on my cigarette consumption. Every smoker tries this, because cutting down is soooooo much easier than quitting. Well, in theory anyway. I found that I just couldn't hack it (ha!) and that the only thing that would work for me was quitting all out. I'm an all-or-nothing kind of addict - when I quit I was smoking almost 2 packs a day, and I found that trying to cut down to something reasonable like 1 pack a day was just torture. All the rules and stress and minute-counting removed the fun and enjoyment from smoking, and I could only keep it up for 3 days tops before I'd go back to 2 packs.

It's not like that for everyone. Just like how with drinking you've got your moderates and your alkies, there are people that successfully smoke just once in awhile. You know, 2 or 3 cigarettes a day, or only on weekends, or only when they out drinking, or only when something stressful happens. I'm INCREDIBLY envious of these people. I still love cigarettes and wish every day that I could find a way to smoke them and not hinder my health or my angelic singing voice or stunning good looks, but I know that the minute I allow just one puff, it's a slow snowball back to 2 packs of tarry heaven. I know for a fact because it happened before.

Awhile back, I stopped smoking cold turkey one day and kept it up for three whole years, and one night a seductress in lingerie led me astray - the bitch was actually TRYING to get me to smoke, when she knew full well that I'd quit. Somehow thinking that taking a puff would get me laid, I took a puff. The plan backfired - instead of hot sexy lovin' I got a 2 month downward spiral with the following highlights:

-"I went a whole week without smoking after that first puff, so clearly I can be a casual smoker and not get roped in"

-"I'll only smoke when I go out on weekends"

-"It's only Friday morning, but I'm going out tonight so I'll buy my pack this morning"

-"It's Monday and I still have smokes - hm, no one to give 'em to, I guess I'll smoke 'em myself"

-"This smoking is getting out of control, I'll take this weekend camping trip, smoke full time while I'm there and get it out of my system and return to the city a non-smoker"

-"Well that didn't work, and I'm starting to get annoyed by having to take smoke breaks in the middle of my gym sessions, so now I have to make a choice - and I choose 'Fuck it all, I'm gonna be a smoker again!'"

Now tell me: is that not the most retarded thing you've ever read? These things actually made COMPLETE SENSE to me at the time, and I'm amazed I actually fell for that shit. Looking back though, it's given me a pretty clear picture of how the addicted mind can fool itself and somehow get away with it.

There's a point to this, I swear. This morning when I got up, my first thought was a voice telling me to hit the snooze button and allow myself to go back to sleep, just once. I was telling myself, "Just one snooze, I've been so good! I've clearly kicked the habit, look how easy it was!" I thought I'd give myself a little treat for being so good. Sound familiar? Anyone that's ever tried dieting knows exactly what I'm talking about. Thankfully I was able to get up walk away from the sexy temptress that is my snooze button - I know the game of the addicted mind, I know its ploys and tricks, because I've been down that road before. As a great man once said:

1 comment:

  1. I default to the same addiction cycle with's evil. I agree though that it provides great insight to our inner powers etc. As my brother, do you think that our similarities are genetic or environmental or both? Seemingly we go through the same crazy thoughts in the same crazy situations.